The Funny Farm:

By Don Wyatt

Dogma

"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise" -- Unknown

"In dog years, I'm dead." -- Unknown

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." -- Rita Rudner

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." - Ann Landers

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." -- Robert A. Heinlein

In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." -- Dereke Bruce

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." ?Edward Abbey

"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it." -- Unknown

New Vocabulary Words

• Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
• Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
• Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding a stupid person that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
• Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
• Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon.
• Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.

The "Two Cow Explanation" of What Makes...

• A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
• A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
• A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
• A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
• A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
• DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
• CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
• BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.
• AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
• A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
• A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
• A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
• AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
• A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
• A MEXICAN CORPORATION: You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.
• A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5,000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.
• AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.