Sexual Attraction: A Subjective Anecdotal View

By Author's name withheld by request

Puberty is hard. It's when our minds and thoughts are taken over by a powerful and persistent force, our sex drive. Our motivations always included certain desires, including the desire to fit in and to be accepted by our peers. With the awakening of our sexual beings, however, we had to learn how to handle a new motivation.

Before puberty, I had a firm understanding of what an attractive girl was supposed to look like. I even made a couple of pre-teen attempts to go steady. But somewhere between seventh and eighth grade, I noticed a difference between the girls I should have found attractive, and the ones I did.

My eyes went toward the larger girls. I found myself fantasizing about girls that my peers found undesirable. I was not attracted to the right girls.

I had never thought of myself as much of a conformist, but I was somewhat concerned about why my tastes were so different. There was no source of information to tell me this might be okay. I couldn't really talk to anyone about it. There was no Internet. If there was a NAAFA (National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance) I had no way of knowing about it. We could barely get rudimentary information about the most normal sex. I have a lot more certainty today about what was going on in my twisted little mind than I knew then. I didn't think anyone else had any idea. Sure, I managed to have some.

The average person walks over 115,000 miles in a lifetime. That's enough to walk around the world four times. social interaction with some chubby girls, but I was always careful to have a good excuse. I also fantasized that my secret was safe.

On a family vacation, when I was maybe fourteen or fifteen, we saw a musical. One of the female parts was played by a really big, beautiful woman. After the show, we discussed it. I don't remember what positive comment I made about the actress, but I'll never forget my mother's response, ''He's always been interested in the big girls." Miles away from my friends, I was still shocked to be "outed" by my mother (though I wouldn't know the meaning of that word for many years). I don't think my junior high peer group ever noticed. If they had, they would have ridiculed me about it without mercy.

Eventually my sex drive whipped peer pressure like a yard dog and left it cowering in a far corner of my mind.

As an adult, not much is different. As a young adult, I preferred pornography in text to that in pictures. The girls in Penthouse and Playboy are missing their bellies (an essential part of female anatomy), but the girls in Variations looked exactly like I wanted them to look. I watched "Babes" on Fox (a short-lived sitcom about three fat sisters) for the same reason most of you guys watched Charlie's Angels. I can't always tell which thin girls are attractive, but to understand social relationships sometimes that information is important. I've had to devise sneaky ways to find out. On the other hand, I can openly girl-watch in broad daylight and nobody even suspects what I'm doing.

I have no idea where my diverse taste comes from. None of the other men in my family have any interest in pleasantly plump women. My mother was probably anorexic. My aunts and sisters-in-law are (or at least at the relevant time were) thin. This defies heredity and environment. I think there must be a third thing, maybe pure random chance, that has an influence on sexual preference. I doubt it's some kind of startling experience or anything like that. My preferences are natural, built-in, and real. I know it. I've learned to enjoy it.